We, the Fellowship, Kindly Wish to Inform you
by SolitaryPerfectionist
Summary: Or, what happens when Middle Earth finds Fanfiction. All hell breaks loose.
1. Legolas

Dear Writers of Fanfiction,

I, Legolas Greenleaf wish to inform you that I have not, nor shall ever reveal my "secret feelings" to any of the following:

-Boromir, Son of the Steward

-Aragorn, Son of Arathorn (Who, may I remind you is _happily married_ )

-Gimli, Son of Gloin

-Eru forbid, Mithrandir.

Thank you. It has been utterly and completely unpleasant dealing with the likes of you.


	2. Elrond

Dear Writers of Fanfiction

I, Elrond of Rivendell, wish to inform you all that I never abused my daughter, and I find it entirely despicable that you think me capable of it.

Otherwise, I wish for you to note that I would not ever maim or seriously injure Estel (no really, he does it all himself), after all, I did _raise him as my son._

I wish you all the worst nightmares your brains can suffer, from the bottom of my heart.


	3. Faramir

Dear Writers of Fanfiction

I, Faramir, Son of Denethor, wish to inform you-

Seriously what illness plagues your mind so horribly? What disease devours your reason so completely?

 _Boromir,_ is my _brother._ _Boromir,_ is also my _dead_ brother.

From both myself and Eowyn, you are wished to be fed to the Balrog of Morgoth.


	4. Merry

Dear Writers of Fanfiction

I, Meriadoc Took of the Shire, wish to compliment you on creating some of the filthiest works in all Middle-Earth.

No really, I do. Your works have stunned the collective entirety of Arda into silence.

Best of luck.


	5. Eowyn

Dear Writers of Fanfiction

I, Eowyn, Shieldmaiden of Rohan, wish to inform each and every single one of you that I do not loathe Lady Arwen, nor bear her and resentment. For if it escapes your notice, I'm _married._ I have a _son._

That aside, I also bear no "feelings" for Lady Arwen, and I kindly implore you to cease writing such nonsense, or suffer the consequences.

I will loathe you all from beyond the grave.


	6. Frodo

Dear Writers of Fanfiction

I, Frodo Baggins of the Shire, wish to inform you that I have no romantic feelings for any of the following:  
-The _married_ Aragorn, King Of Gondor

-The _married_ Samwise Gamgee

-The disgusting backstabbing filthy _dead_ sack of spindly bones known as Smeagol

-The _married_ and at times downright terrifying Lady Galadriel

-Thorin Oakenshield. Who died before I was even born.

-Gandalf, who has walked this earth longer then most of creation existed.

And many others, that I cannot think of presently.

However, I must commend you on finally giving Sam cause to stop calling me Master.

I hope you burn in the fires of Mordor.


	7. Smeagol

Dear Writers of Fanfiction

WE HATESS IT! IT BURNS US _BURNS US! NASTY WRITERS DO NASTY THINGS TO POOR SMEAGOL._ HORRIBLE PRECIOUS, IT WAS HORRIBLE.

 _WE HATES DOBBYS. DOBBY'S A ****ING ***._

(AN: I'm just quoting an award ceremony, put your pitchforks down)


	8. Thranduil

Dear Writers of Fanfic

I, Thranduil, King of Mirkwood, do not know at which point I established myself as a homophobic yet incestuous, abusive, maniac of a father, but I am nonetheless disgusted. I am not a practitioner, nor do I care about whatever filth "Pimp" means, but I have ways of...persuading you to stop writing such vile rubbish.

I hate each and everyone of you, and I hope that some day I may be able to free your head from your wretched shoulders.


	9. Tom

Dear Writers of Fanfiction

Stop forgetting about me!

-Tom Bombadil


	10. Sauron

Sincerely Hated Writers of Fanfic

I, Sauron, demand a stop to all of this rubbish.

I don't have a daughter. I don't _want_ a daughter. I _certainly_ don't want a daughter who goes _falling in love with hobbits._ Or _men_. Or _elves._ Or any bloody creature your pitifully small minds can come up with.

 _This_ is why I want to end mankind.

And they call _me_ "ultimate evil"


	11. Arwen

Dear Writers of Fanfiction

I, Arwen Undomiel, kindly wish to inform you that

-I am not a obnoxious tantruming child. I am over _3000 years old.  
-_I did not ever join the Fellowship of the Ring, as I was too busy _fading out of existence._

-I am not attracted to Thranduil, Gimli, _Eowyn_ , or anyone else your deluded mind can think of.

-I am not the heir of Sauron. Is that even possible?

 _-_ I do not ogle Estel nearly as much as you see to think...right?

From one who has faced the Nazgûl, Orcs, and a wide array of other foul beings, you are all without a doubt the most disgusting creatures I have ever come across.


	12. Thorin

Dear Writers of Fanfiction

I, Thorin, Son of Thrain, Former King of Erebor, kindly wish to inform you that-

I'm dead. I'm _literally_ , _actually_ dead. I have _absolutely_ nothing to do with any of these "Wingfaiths" or "Sour Onions."

I'm _dead_

Leave me alone.


	13. Wormtongue

Dear Writers of Fanfiction

I, Grima Wormtongue, am curious.

You say I can still have Eowyn as my own? How?

Please, tell me more!

DON'T LEAVE ME HANGING HERE.

GUYS?


	14. The Witch King

Dear Writers of Fanfiction

I, the Witch King of Angmar, am in awe. I do not know what evil plagues your mind, but I want in.

If you could get in touch, we could probably work something out.

Pleasure doing evil with you.


	15. Legolas II

Dear Writers Of Fanfiction

I, Legolas Greenleaf, have not spent nearly enough time from your vile nonsense, but I feel compelled to inform you that, I have am not. Nor have been a girl. Ever. No spells from Gandalf. I was never hiding it from birth and even if I was, my father wouldn't care if I was a girl. Furthermore in the unfortunate event of being turned into a girl, I would _not_ lust after Aragorn (honestly what do you not get? He's _married._ Undomiel would skin me alive anyways), nor the hairy dwarf that barely stand higher than my knee.

I hate all of you.


	16. Sauron II

Dear Writers of Fanfiction

I, The Dark Lord Sauron, the All Seeing Eye, swear on the grave of Melkor that I do _not_ have a wife. I have never _had_ a wife.

I did _not_ trap said wife that I don't have into my ring.

I know where you sleep. And I have Wringwraiths.


	17. Sauron II (continued)

Dear Writers of Fanfiction

We, the Nazgûl, wish to inform you that _AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA_ _ **AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!**_

-censored-


	18. Gandalf the White

Dear Writers of Fanfiction

I, Gandalf the White, kindly wish to inform you that I do not know who or what "The Avengers" are, nor do I know what they are avenging, or what they have avenged.

Furthermore, I'm afraid I fail to understand the usefulness of a "Hairy Potter" in war. However I do know a most excellent potter in the Shire, if you must know.

Your grasp of the reality troubles me greatly.


End file.
